Pong Central



Shit gawn get dangerously pongy over the next month.



I have my Tour socks, and i'm not taking them off until 26th July.







T h e  c o n t e n d e r s




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The most ungainly motherfucking specimen of stick-insect ever to get on a bike, Froome Dawg single-handedly put Bradley out of business by simply being better than him at everything, including a far better bloke. He knows he's a cyclist, unlike Brad who'd rather see himself as part-time rider, full-time frontman of the seventh best Oasis tribute band. Froome lights shit up in the mountains, riding at such high cadence he looks like a stick-insect on speed, which he probably is. They're all on drugs. With an incredible team supporting him, he could well be in yellow by the time those mutants reach Paris, which means first place. The time i finally get to take my socks off.



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They call him El Pistolero because every time he crosses the line in first place - which is often - he fires his imaginary Colt 45 into the crowd of baying spectators. Contador is the most exciting old school Grand Tour rider of his generation, incapable of riding in anything but attack mode. He actually definitely is on drugs, he got busted for Clenbuterol and banned for a couple of years. He's won more than any of the other three put together, and just destroyed el Giro a month ago. But this means he'll be knackered. These guys sprint the equivalent of two marathons a day, up mountains, non-stop for three weeks. It's the most demanding sporting event on the planet. Which means you have to be fucking ship-shape to be in with a chance of winning. And on drugsI want Contador to win, he's a badman.



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This guy is one hundred thousand per cent on drugs. Nairo Quintana descends from the land of the finest uncut known to man, Colombia. Training there all year round at altitude, so he can be around his family, Nairo's only problem will be how to bear the load of the mountains of uncut he needs to nail while he takes on the great alpine climbs. Luckily he weighs about two stone, and his power to weight ratio is unheard of. He's the most seamless climber of the four, but he's only 25, and weirdly enough he's too young to have built up the resistance needed to excel at this kind of sport. But he's a total legend, already a demi-god in his native Colombia, and quiet and unassuming in character. I'd love him to win. 



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Vincenzo Nibali descends from Sicily. So if he isn't on drugs, then he's definitely pushing them on the rest of the peloton on behalf of some shady mafia drugs cartel. They call him Lo Squalo which means The Shark. He's definitely a danger-man. He won the Tour last year, but only because Froome and Contador retired through injury. In press conferences he comes across as the most boring of the four, but i reckon deep down he's a rudeboy, who's just busy sizing up his next prey doggy-paddling on the surface, or clocking where to offload the next kilo of his family's prized peruvian flake. Like El Pistolero, Lo Squalo loves to go on the attack, he's a classy rider.



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That's as informative a lowdown as you're going to get on this year's Tour de France, from anywhere.








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