Take A Rain Check

I said it last year and i'll say it again. I have an attitude problem with spring, more accurately the english obsession with spring; the root of my gripe being our nationwide desperation for sunshine. Psychopathic levels of excitement about a slight change in temperature is beyond me. Desperation is fundamentally unattractive - as my brother's extended lack of ladytime has taught me - and the the Brits getting so pathetically excited about leaving their puffa jackets at home makes make me come over all Gollum like.

 I don't care how hot you might think it is, in Kingston JA 15ºC is still buttcold

Rant not remotely over.

The Rites of Spring are now officially The Wrongs of Spring.

Let's get real. Our weather is shit. 

What looks like a scene from 12 Monkeys was actually a photo I took not two months ago. 

Ergo we live in a cold climate, where sunlight does not constitute warmth. 

Put a jumper on you fool.

But desperate we are, so as soon as we get a sliver of half-baked sunlight

and bless, the blossom rears its pretty head

every mutherfucker in the country gets their goddamned Havaianas out the cupboard

- which Boris is soon to outlaw -

And every fool hits the parks to get buttnaked in their lunchbreaks. 


 It's only 12 degrees.

And if it miraculously gets any hotter english people nationwide start dying from heatstroke.

 Or ending up the day like this.

and this.

Yes you do pal.

What could be more awesome proof of this than Aberdeenshire recording the hottest weather in half a century at the beginning of March, to then be hit with a sub-zero blast two weeks later which shuts down half the country. They had to re-open the ski stations they'd decided to close for the whole year. Not that i imagine anyone was too upset at being denied the opportunity to carve up the frozen waves on offer at Glencoe Ski Centre, but all the same a gentle reminder to the yokels up north that summer starts at the very earliest in May, and not a nanosecond before. This strikes me as all amounting to pretty much the same thing; someone upstairs has a sense of humour.

My point is, it's still not summer and it's still not very hot.

So calm the fuck down yo.


As usual Calvin hits the game-winning no-look 3-pointer right on the buzzer.

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