Party On Wayne

Today is a very special day.

100 year ago to this day, the Titanic was first launched from a shipyard in Belfast!


On a much more irrelevant note, 28 years ago to this day a little old person was born into the world. One who i got to know about a year ago. And for some reason that i can't really get my head around, this person manages to turn my frown upside down on a daily basis. She is my girlfriend. And this post is not about the Titanic, but about little old her. 

Literally very little. She's 4ft tall. 


Sometimes I feel like I'm waking up next to Wayne from Harry Enfield & Chums.

 

But i can get over that. Because she is the dopest thing ever, and whenever I rip her to shreds on this blog, it's only so i'll be in the doghouse and then i can buy her flowers and do all that cheesy romantic shit and then she'll smile

And there's no use denying the plain fact that..


And i must be the most retarded son of a gun in the history of forever to be in a relationship with.


So she deserves a medal.

I got my best pal Mikey from Nicaragua to write her a birthday song.


Guys got mad skills.

Anyway..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY MISSUS.

i guess the words I'm blushingly groping for are..

you mean a whole heap to me n then some.



Today is for you yagga yagga.

Awesomeness

This is awesome.


Pow!

Message For The Weekend

I have a little message for you Mister Weekend.

Think you're all big and strong with your extra day huh? Oooh check me out, bit longer than usual, everyone loves me yeah. Well buddy how do you fancy a little.. 

CRANE MANOEUVRE to the SHNOZ ?


I'm taking you to the cleaners and walking away with the All Valley Karate Championship.

 And the chick.

Been practicing all week.

Cycle Motorgayness

Getting on one of those deranged blue cycle motorways in the morning rush hour is dang near fucking impossible. If I didn't want to stink of shit and get depressed, I'd have almost considered getting on the tube. I was literally just stood looking at these commuting morons for over five minutes


An OAP has got more chance of blazing onto the M4 on a damned scooter.


Al Is Simply Beautiful

This video is intended to rouse the rainbow out of this sorryass dump of a day.

Take a big hit.


It's not often that a video of a 65 year old black man gives me a boner. But you can watch this again and again and again and again and again and never take it for granted. Because it comes from somewhere deep within. The Reverend Al Green reminds us why even if it's greyer than a donkey's ass outside, we can still find things to smile about.

I think that sound on 3:28 must be the sound of 100 virgins being simultaneously deflowered.

Laughing In The Face Of The Law

Two generations-worth of bike defiance lensed by my girlfriend yesterday.


That kid is going to grow up to either be a dictator or some badass bank robber.

DropThatBeat

This is for my good friend Antonia over the ocean in DF.


"Remember there is nothing stable in human affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity, or undue depression in adversity."

Socrates (469-399 BC)

Woah

This is some hardcore shit. A google streetview shot of an intersection in Joplin, Missouri pre-tornado, contrasted with a photo taken in the aftermath by a local resident.
 

Wow, my heart really does go out to them.

Hold tight Joplin massive.

Love Is Blind

Is love blind after all?


Almost, but not quite. Love is just accepting of the fact that if you squeeze two cheeks together hard enough, you can make your girlfriend look like a blind sumo-wrestler man-child with a botox lip-enhancement and hardcore sinus problems.

Snotaproblem

Thought for the weekend:

Who needs kleenex when you have a moustache?

Do you snuffer from the snivels? Are you a slave to the kleenex machine, tired of ruining social occasions with the tactless disposal of snotty tissues, and concerned about the environmental effects of paper waste?

Kleenex is OUT.



The obvious answer... 

GROW A MOUSTACHE.



This way you can surreptitiously snot into the grizzly mane just below your nose at the convenient moment, where it will lodge and then congeal, and you can dispose of the debris at a later date using a fine comb. Your company is none the wiser, the environment owes you a pat on the back, and you have a smoothed out moustache to gun chicks with.

I should charge for this shit.

Breaking News

What's up with today?


Two things.

it's SUNNY and it's FRIDAY.



The Real Dope Shit

I wish I could say this was an old-school photo of my Grandpops.


So for the record... IT IS.

This must be the smallest brakeless fixie in existence. Man those guys knew how to get live back in the day. Which gives me another idea. I'm putting my kid on a fixed gear before he's out of his pram. Trust

By his 3rd birthday he'll be casually ripping up skidstops with stabilizers like it weren't even a ting.

You Wanna Be Me

Sun-blushed tomatoes, freshly plucked kalamata olives, creamy mozzarella balls, cantaloupe melon pieces, silken avacado, cucumber, chickpeas, haricot verts, all playfully drizzled with a mind-blowing olive oil fresh from the groves of Montecatini..

Jealous of my lunch?

YEAH YOU ARE.


I even wiped down the sides of the plate with a napkin. It's that kinda tip.

Bigup my breddas at Luigi's delicatessen for giving me a discount. I knew the cycling cap moustache vibe would come in handy some day.

If It Ain't Broke Fix It

Amazingly-edited video about riding a fixed gear bicycle in London. Beautiful.


Bonertime.

Your Mother's An Astronaut

Am I courteous??


Well if by courteous you mean cutting me up twice, leading me into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus, stopping three times for no reason whatsoever, and using your indicator as some sort of playmobile fireman function, all within a 20 metre stretch of road, then YES you are courteous you flagrant retard.

I'd be surprised if the yokle at the wheel of that thing even knows what courteous means.


Jackpot

If today's weather were a football goal...


it would go something like this.

The Seeds Of Discontent



If you cycle around town, or walk, or travel by any means vaguely less depressing than inhaling other people's sweet B.O on the Underground, you might have found the last two weeks totally unradical.



These weeks are dominated by the plague of the Plane tree seeds.








Sticky itchy crap getting stuck in your eyes and your throat feeling like you're puffin more herb than Big Pun are the two main symptoms of this madness. For some reason these little bitches fall out of every single plane tree in London roundabout now, and litter the pavements and get blown everywhere and proceed to annoy the living crap out of everybody until they get bored and piss off for good until next year.






On the plus side, you can get away with rockin out some ice-cool shades on the pretext that they're practical.





Furresh.

Caring Makes You Evil

Someone once said the opposite of good is not evil, but indifference.

The idea being to care. Not caring about anything is the gravest sin, so even if your opinion is extreme, at least you can say you have one. As opposed to shrugging your shoulders, being apathetic, and busting off to get a smoothie. That's just wrong. We all have to stand for something.

But then I watched this Youtube clip, and it made me think again:


Evidently caring about something this much turns you into an evil little freakshow.

This kid clearly proves that the opposite of indifference is not good, but EVIL.

So we're better off not giving a shit in the first place.


Whilst you all suck on that, I'm off to get a smoothie.

DropThatBeat



"Golf is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well."

P. G. Wodehouse (1881-1975)

Film Recommendation

Part two in my Theory of Relativity - see headaches below - applies to films. Some films are handsdown awesome. No matter how many times you see them, in what context, or with whom, they consistently take your breath away. And stay in your memory forever, like that first time you smoked sweet doobie and listened to Faithless. I'm talking the top 5 films of all time category.

La Haine/Godfather I/No Reservations: 'Love in the professional kitchen' typa shit. 




Then there's amazing-shit films. Films that you have absolutely no expectation of whatsoever, and as such become unforgettable if you enjoy them just a tiny little bit. For this read Shooter with Mark Wahlberg. 

Damn that's a good shit film.


Anyway last night i hit up a late viewing of Limitless. This fell firmly into the Shooter category, seeing as my expectation was null, i knew jack-crap about it, and frankly it was the only thing showing after 9.30pm. But i can't say I enjoyed it as much as I did purely because I thought it was gonna be shit and turned out okay.

I enjoyed it because it was fucking awesome.


The concept of the film is wicked and interesting, it's seriously funny, fast-paced, has a hot chick in it, and bingo my local cinema had a new batch of white chocolate mice in, which i happily overdosed on. I was so pumped at no point was i even remotely close to falling asleep. That never happens.



GO see it jackasses.

Impending Doom

If one of these days, you drink a little bit more than your worried head can handle and wake up nursing a migraine that even super strength Solpadeine can do squat to assuage..


Content yourself with knowing that everything is relative.

And at least you're not the blonde athlete chick below, who as well as needing a probable morphine transfusion, should clearly have a damned eye test too.



Look for the dude sitting down in the orange tracksuit far left, and his facial expressions as the slow-motion encapsulation of Impending Doom.

El Pistolero

Giro update y'all.

Alberto Contador took a proverbial number two on the rest of the field on Sunday in stage 9 of El Giro d'Italia in Sicily, sything up the lava-caked slopes of Mount Etna and putting over a minute into his closest rivals to take la maglia rossa (the ridiculously pimpin pink jersey) at the head of the general classification.


They call him El Pistolero which means the Sharp Shooting Gun Slinger, cos he's made it a habit of pulling the trigger as he crosses the finish line ahead of his rivals. This guy is destined to be one of the greatest of all time, having already won 5 of the 6 Grand Tours he's entered.


Check this video of him crapping all over Lance Armstrong at the 2009 Tour de France. Lance admitted that even in his prime, he wouldn't have been able to handle Contador's raw explosiveness on the climbs.

(strange choice of music though, I would've gone with Celine)


And if you find this one of the most uninformative plain dull blogposts you've ever had the misfortune to waste 40 seconds of your 'valuable' time reading, then you can go get some damned NUTS fool.


Diabeto

This is for you Pierluigi.

Saw this and it made me think of you thinking of me thinking of cookies.



Owe you an apology, an email, and some brainstorming bro!

Kneel In The Presence Of The Lord

My brother just informed me it's National B-J day today.


Jackpot.


Who even saw that coming?


With the advent of a National Day, hopefully we'll see less of this then:


And we all know kneeling can do wonders for the posture.

So everyone's a winner - apart from the little kid.

World's Worst Style

Litte game of Spot The Difference.

Our beloved Mayor doing his best donkey impersonation:


Our beloved pal Matthew doing his best Boris Johnson impersonation:




NO DIFFERENCE WHATSOEVER BUDDY.

Sharpen up your shit.

(i'm only quoting your girfriend)

Word.

BLACKSTAR

Off to see BlackStar tear some serious shiddup in Hammersmith in little over an hour.

I'm so pumped I need to go to the bathroom every 5 minutes.

Here's two of my favourite BLACKSTAR joints:

Supreme Supreme


Brown Skin Lady



It was a sell-out 7 weeks ago.

Gaoown get S W E A T Y in there.


Gonna be real tho.

Ahedge Of The Game

Versailles?

Who gives a crap about Versailles. A great place to grab some Zzzz's maybe. Very little else. Never seen such a bunch of overrated horticultural mediocrity in all my days.




For some proper house&garden realness, look no further than Longwick, South Bucks. I came across this hedge on the way to the train station, and it categorically tore the breath from my lungs. At such a time words become inadequate, the poet must admit defeat, put down his quill, and content himself to merely stand back and marvel at the glory of man's creation.


Hedge & Shoulders above the rest.

Welcome To The World


Time to paaaapp dat Cristal yo!!


Why??

One massive/well rather tiny but still huge reason:


That little beauty is none other than the first evidence of life residing in the tummy of Madamoiselle Angela Duplechain of Beaton, beloved wife of one of my bestest buddies Benjamin. 

THIS SHIT IS AMAZING.

Here they are both below! Don't worry. Ben's left ear isn't that big in real life. Not at all. No way.


This is some seriously dope goings-on. I think the happy news came through around a week ago, but they only made it need2know over the weekend. Don't think the little nipper's chromosome combo is established yet, but I got a feeling i know what Ben's holding out for:


Just kidding homey.

They're gonna be the bestest parents ever period.


(and of course it goes without saying Ben's Homelands '04 experiences are well and truly a thing of the past)



*          *          *

So.. even though it's Monday morning, please take a little time out and add a little Cristal to your extra-strength Darjeeling, and raise a toast to the 2.0234 of them.

Bigup Ben and Angela!